Come on over
Drink my wine
Waste my candles
Waste my time
Tell me lies I won’t believe
Just don’t wake me when you leave
Come on over
Kick me to the ground
Kiss me when I’m down – Gary Allen
life has been hectic. a lot of changes. a lot i didn’t want. a lot i can’t fix. but life goes on. i’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately with graduation coming up, so i’ve been in a pretty shitty mood to begin with. probably been drinking more than i should. probably doing a lot of stupid things that i should have stopped before. i’ve realized though, sometimes, when we know something isn’t the way we want it, we will do whatever we can just to keep it in our lives in some capacity. because something is better than nothing, right? but sometimes, it just makes it worse when we are forced to realize that what we want will never happen.
right now, i really wish i had my dad. or a dad. i just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. because right now i feel like i can’t handle any of this alone. i want to have him there to tell me that he’s proud of me, that i’ve accomplished more than he could have ever imagined for me. and, that even though he was never around, he still loves me. no matter how hard i try to make myself, no matter how much i try to shut people out, i still want my dad to love me. i know he says he does to people when he’s drunk, but i just wish he would have been there. would have actually showed me that he cared. i feel bad for my friends whose fathers have died, but for me i feel worse because my dad is alive but just doesn’t care to be in my life. I don’t understand it. Why do good fathers get taken away and the bad just linger? I honestly feel that my life would have been better if he were around. I would have had someone to explain all of this boy shit to me… because i’m failing here. miserably. I just don’t understand. anything. really. it seems to work that the ones you want don’t want you, and the ones who like you, you don’t like the same way (even though, most of the time they would be the best choice).
I feel like i’ve screwed everything up so much that i can’t go back to him, but i also can’t move forward with someone else. i’m stuck in this in-between and i don’t know where to turn. i’m scared. i’m lost. i’m confused. i’m going to bawl my freaking eyes out at graduation. this is not how i imagined it would all go. at least my uncle will be there. i really don’t think i’d be able to make it through anything, if it weren’t for him. he’s not always around because he has his own family and life, but to me he’s the closest thing i have to a real dad. i just want to be told everything will be okay. one day. why can’t things just work out easily. why can’t i like someone who actually likes me? why does everything always have to be one-sided so that someone always has to get hurt?
i tried. i tried really hard.
what i’m going to take from this:
when you find yourself falling for someone (not technically “in love” but just starting to really like someone) find out how they feel, because it’s easier to find out before you’re too far in than later on. people are so afraid just to talk. and, it’s just plain stupid. it’s better to be brutally honest and upfront than to hide what you are feeling or thinking because you are afraid of the outcome. just say it. the more real you are, the better the results will be in the long run. the stupid games we girls play are dumb. the whole 3 day rule and not texting first b.s. needs to stop. we end up falling for the unavailable guys or the ones who don’t care about us simply because they are a challenge. And, even though we whine and complain about how annoying they are or how much of a pain it is waiting for a text message or whatnot, we LOVE the chase. but in the end, we usually end up with results we did not want. hurt, upset, or with a broken heart.
now, my situation did not involve love. hell, probably doesn’t even involve like. i honestly don’t know what it involves. i was missing something in the relationship i was in so i ended it and thought that i could make someone else into the perfect boyfriend… without the title, of course, because i was “so over the relationship thing”. and, i found that what i was doing had all the benefits of a relationship but it was an illusion. it was a rebound. because i’m not ready.
we just all crave to have someone to comfort us, someone to make us feel better/good/whatever, and we feel that the only way to attain this person is through being in a relationship. we are so naive. friends can be there to comfort you. yeah, they can’t give you the physical connection you may be looking for, but the emotional connection is there on a different capacity. why is it that not being in a relationship is almost more stressful than actually being in one?
i might have made the biggest mistake in my entire life. and there’s no turning back now.
Just an hour or two
Is better than none of you
I miss you
